Not being able to let things go……..

Writing the previous post brought up a lot negative emotions for me. I have been blessed -or is it cursed- with an excellent memory and can recall things that have happened in my life vividly; unfortunately these are not always happy memories. People with autism mostly adhere to rational thought, routine and rules and when these are not met they feel they have to find an explanation.

I worry what people think of me and I really hate it when I feel that I’ve upset someone usually because they’ve misunderstood my intent. My instinct is to always try and talk it out to make sure they understand what I really meant even if the person is hostile. This has been a source of great distress to me.

There are a number of people over the years that have really hurt me and I have found it very difficult to forgive and forget some of them. I had a teacher in the infants that really disliked me and would never miss an opportunity to berate and humiliate me in front of the class. I had the misfortune to have the same teacher for a year later on and suffered the same treatment. I have never been able to let go of the anger and hurt I felt back then. I wish I could, but my brain won’t let me. It’s the same with anybody that has hurt my girls.

I don’t sit and continually go over in my head everything that has ever hurt me. However if a memory is triggered the associated anger and hurt will surface at an intensity that can overwhelm me. I know it isn’t healthy but I can’t seem to do anything about it.

I have managed to let go of some of the painful memories surrounding my childhood experiences with my father because as an adult I can understand the reasons for the way he was. I don’t remember feeling as if my father loved me when I was little but he had a difficult childhood and just didn’t know what to do with me. My Dad and I became a lot closer as adults and I was able to tell him that I loved him and mean it when he was terminally ill.

I can forgive and forget as long as I understand the reason behind the bad behaviour and the person has sincerely apologised. The things I can’t forgive are cruelty and selfishness. I will continue to try and let these go because I know that it will make my life better.