My de-conversion and other thoughts……..

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I was raised with a belief in God, Jesus and the Bible. Like most children indoctrinated, I’d never really questioned my belief in God. This was to change in 2003 when I started to attend church regularly and really read the Bible. As a result of my autism I tend to put a lot of effort into any new project so I bought a study guide and started from the beginning.

I was heavily influenced by the Left Behind book series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins which is a narrative about the Rapture and the subsequent tribulation. The authors were fundamentalists Christians and believed that the entire Bible is divinely inspired and should be taken literally where possible.

I attended a United Reformed church which was a very traditional British church. They didn’t seem to go too deeply into the theology. I really liked the vicar and he seemed very knowledgeable. However when I asked him a difficult question he would just deflect it on to a different subject.

The more I read of the Bible the more horrified I became e.g. the condoning of slavery, genocide, the treatment of women. Everyone I spoke to about it gave the excuse that it was in the Old Testament and that Jesus created a new covenant. However in the New Testament Jesus said:

“Think not that I came to destroy the law or the prophets; I came not to destroy, but to fulfil. For verily I say unto you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass away from the law, till all things be accomplished” (Matthew. 5:17-18).

The main reason I became disillusioned with the church is the fact that they ‘cherry picked’ the parts of the Bible they liked and ignored the problem passages. I also felt that if some of the Bible was allegory what was to stop it all being untrue? Suddenly I realised that deep down I didn’t believe in any of it. After months of struggling to understand my faith, it was gone and it was so liberating.

Since becoming an atheist I have done a lot of research into the origins of the Bible; especially the New Testament. There are a lot of manuscripts that didn’t make the canon that make for interesting reading. Bart Ehrman, who lectures at the University of North Carolina is a renowned New Testament scholar. I have learned so much from listening to his lectures and reading his blog. I can see now that the New Testament is far from historically accurate. The original events were passed on orally and embellished by the authors of the gospels and epistles according to their own theology. I now believe that although Jesus existed, he wasn’t born of a virgin and didn’t claim to be divine and didn’t rise from the dead. Jesus was an apocalyptic Jew who believed that the kingdom of God was imminent and travelled around preaching on how the Jews should prepare for this.

I am now part of an online community that is striving for logic and reason in society. Now that I don’t believe in an afterlife I’m trying to make a difference in the here and now because that’s all there is. When a theist asks me what the point of life is if there is no God, I reply ‘Why does there have to be a point?’. I know that I’m an insignificant human who won’t be remembered in a couple of hundred years but that’s ok. What I teach my children is passed on to their children and so on, so a little of me survives into the future and that’s enough for me.


The grass is always greener on the other side……..

When I am in one of my lows, I often reflect negatively on how my life has turned out. I find looking at pictures of myself when I was little very sad because I feel that that little girl had the potential to become anything she wanted.


While growing up children are always asked what they want to do when they’re older. For me it was to become a doctor and one of my biggest regrets is not having the confidence to go for it when I was younger. I chose to become a mother at the age of 19 and I certainly don’t regret it but it did mean that I had to put my career on hold. I stayed at home with my girls until both were at school. I then decided it was time for me to start my working life.

I’ve discussed what happened in my previous posts so I won’t go into it again. To cut a long story short my depression and inability to cope with stress led to me developing fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. At times I feel very defeated and ask myself over and over again; why couldn’t I cope? I am very lucky that David has a highly paid job so we don’t have any money worries but I hate the fact that I can’t contribute.

This week when I was feeling low I tried to imagine what my life would be like now if I had become doctor. I certainly would have a successful career but would I have been happy? If I had concentrated on becoming a doctor I probably wouldn’t have met my soulmate and had two beautiful children and I might have regretted it. When I realised this a lot of my feelings of regret disappeared.

Life is far too short to keep second guessing your decisions. There isn’t enough time to do everything so you just have to make the most of every day and do the best you can.

Depression, Fibromyalgia

A Quick Update……..

I’m feeling very defeated at the moment. I had yet another bout gastroenteritis which was so severe that David called an ambulance for me because I had gone into withdrawal from my pain medication. I’m now recovered but feeling very, very tired. I’ve tried to reduce my pain medication but couldn’t tolerate the increase in my pain levels. I’ve also had a relapse in my depression and anxiety after being stable for over a year. My doctor has increased my antidepressant dose so hopefully I will be feeling better in a couple of weeks.

On the positive side before I was ill, I did manage to finally go to a yoga class. The first surprise was that the class was held in semi darkness. For me this was great because it meant that I felt less self conscious. I was also able to do the whole class without having to rest. The form of yoga that was taught was hatha yoga. Hatha yoga involves moving into poses and holding them while concentrating on breathing. My flexibility is very much reduced due to the fibromyalgia and some of the poses were difficult for me but for my first class I think I did ok. I can really see how yoga is going to help rehabilitate my muscles so maybe in the future when my muscles are stronger I can try again to reduce my pain medication.

Depression, Fibromyalgia

Killing Time……..

The month of January wasn’t finished with throwing its curved balls at me. I had a further bout of gastroenteritis to get through but I recovered quite quickly. I am now in a flare up of my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. It is so frustrating as my brain is active. I want so much to be productive and achieve something with my time. There is nothing so soul destroying as sitting on the couch watching daytime television and endless YouTube videos.

Losing my Dad to cancer in June 2017 has made me acutely aware of my own mortality. I will be 46 in a weeks time and I have always assumed that I will make it well into my eighties. My Dad was 71 when he died and I’ve realised that there are no guarantees in this life.

I want to make the most of every day. I know it’s impossible to do something extraordinary every single day but I at least want to do something of use. I always make sure that I treat people with respect and kindness and I will always help anyone who needs it. Doing something for myself? That’s where the problems lie.

When I’m tired, low and in pain I tend go into myself and sit and stare; this may be due, in part to my medication. I literally feel that I’m just ‘killing’ time. At times I can force myself to do something but within 5-10 minutes my concentration wanes and I end up putting it away. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself again. I feel that I’ve lost 10 years of my life to this illness and I don’t want to waste any more. I have so much I want to do and I’m just not doing any of it.

I’m sorry that this is such a miserable post. I will try to do better next time.