I have spent considerable time in my life worrying about my eating and weight. I’ve always used food as a comfort during times of stress, ill health and sadness. When I was very ill with major depressive disorder in the late 90s and early 2000s this led to me becoming morbidly obese. At my heaviest I was 300lbs/136kg (21stone 6lbs). I reached this weight by consistently overeating every day rather than binging.
As previously mentioned I made the decision to deal with my weight problem once and for all in the summer of 2017 and I have successfully reached a healthy weight. However I know the old me is still there in my head and it would be very easy to regain every pound I’ve lost. What’s really weird though is this version of me has become an internal voice that I have to fight against. I’ve nicknamed it ‘The Binge Monster’. This is an example of a conversation I had with it last week:
The Binge Monster: You could really do with some chocolate.
Me: I don’t need any chocolate and I don’t want to gain any weight
The Binge Monster: But you could have a small bar and build it into your allowance.
Me: Yes I could but I’d want more.
The Binge Monster: So you do want some chocolate. Just have it and get back track afterwards.
Me: I really shouldn’t
The Binge Monster: Go on it will taste so good and make sure you get a big bar.
Me: …..
The Binge Monster: You’re not weighing in at Slimming World this week so you’ve got a whole week to make up for it.
At this point I gave in and had a 110g bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk. It tasted great but I beat myself up afterwards for being so weak. This slip led to me having a couple days of eating a bit extra. I’m now back in control and have been for 4 days. The Binge Monster is still there grumbling in the background dropping hints that the biscuits in the cupboard look tempting but I’m able to ignore it at the moment. This is the way it has been for the past 4 years and the fact that I am still a healthy weight means that I am winning this war.
For anyone who is thinking I’m showing signs of schizophrenia; I’m really not. I have total control and know deep down that The Binge Monster is really just me arguing with myself. I just find it helpful to give that part of me a persona. It makes it easier for me to recognise the times when I’m fighting against the urge to eat unhealthily.
My Faulty Brain 