Category: Weight

I finally reached my target weight on the 17^th December 2021 and I am managing to keep it there but I am not finding it easy. Once I started eating a bit more my hunger levels increased and so did my cravings for junk food. I’ve literally been fighting every minute of every day not to overeat.

I have written at length about my relationship with food during my childhood. I used food as a comfort and I associated it with happy family times. I’ve realised recently that at some point during my adolescence I became obsessed with sweet refined carbohydrates i.e. chocolate, cake and biscuits. As soon as I was given an allowance I was able to indulge in these foods as much as I liked. This led to me alternating between overeating and panicked dieting when I gained weight. I was able to keep my weight at around 13 stone (182lbs) during this time. When I developed clinical depression my eating deteriorated and I rapidly became morbidly obese.

Having done some research I now realise that I show a many of the symptoms of food addiction and binge eating disorder. These conditions are characterised by the urge to consume large amounts of highly palatable foods i.e those containing sugar, fat and salt. These foods trigger the pleasure centres in the brain and cause the release of dopamine; the happy hormone. From my own experience this really makes a lot of sense. I used to get a rush even planning a binge. The feeling of pleasure following a binge was very short lived as feelings of guilt and shame rapidly ensued.

Understanding the chemical mechanism of my urge to binge is making it easier for me control it. I did have a minor binge two weeks ago (my first in 7 months) and it made me feel sick. I didn’t even get the same pleasure response. Initially I was annoyed that it didn’t make me happy and then I realised that this was a good thing. If I can remember this experience in future weak moments I might stand a chance at a long term recovery. I will never stop trying as I love the way my body feels now at a healthy weight.

As I have been at a healthy weight (BMI below 25) since December 2020 I now qualify for skin removal surgery and I will be seeing my chosen surgeon next week. I think getting the surgery is the right decision for me and with my new understanding of my eating habits, I think I am less likely to regain the weight. I know I will never be able to eat whatever I want but now I’m aiming to maintain my weight I can have the occasional treat. I just need to make sure these treats don’t trigger me to binge; apart from the one slip I’ve been doing ok.

I’m planning on blogging my surgery experience from consultation to post-op check up. I think it’s more appropriate to do it here than on Facebook as some of my friends may not wish to see photos of my post surgery stomach!

Food Addiction Infomation.

I am now so close to reaching my target weight (3-4 lbs away) I am starting to take stock of what my body looks like after losing so much weight. I am not vain in any way but I would like to feel confident enough to wear the clothes I have wanted to for years.

When I reach my target weight I will have lost 10 stone (140lbs) and I have been left with a lot of loose skin on my upper arms, stomach, bottom and inner thighs. I have been aware of this for a while but didn’t realise quite how bad it looked until I saw myself in a full length mirror without any clothes on a few weeks back. Below is a photo of the loose skin on my stomach.

I had already considered having skin removal surgery on my arms but I am now seriously considering having it on my stomach too. I think these two areas will make the biggest difference to my appearance. I recently met up with an old friend who had both of these procedures ten years ago and she still looks great. I’d already found an excellent plastic surgeon and by chance it was the same surgeon that had operated on my friend so I know I have made a good choice.

Being me, I have done a lot of research and have watched countless videos on YouTube. The tummy tuck (abdominoplasty) seems to be the more major of the two procedures and I am certain I will require the full tummy tuck as I have loose skin above the belly button. This will involve extensive muscle repair which some people find to be quite painful afterwards. As a fibromyalgia sufferer this is something I will have to seriously think about. The other major concern for me is the pain relief I may need to take immediately following the surgery. Since coming off my opiate medication in March 2019 (apart from a single dose of dihydrocodeine after my gallbladder surgery) I have not taken anything stronger than paracetamol. I’m not going to be stupid about but I want to keep the stronger painkillers to minimum. I could have NSAID painkillers instead of opiates but there is a risk of bleeding with them. This is one of the many questions I will have to ask my surgeon.

I have decided to wait until after my birthday in February before making an appointment with the surgeon. This is because I usually have a bad patch with my depression after Christmas and I don’t want to compound this low period with major surgery. It will also give to me time to think about whether I’m doing the right thing. At the moment I can’t see me changing my mind and I’m quite excited at the thought of finishing my transformation. It’s been a long time coming!

I have spent considerable time in my life worrying about my eating and weight. I’ve always used food as a comfort during times of stress, ill health and sadness. When I was very ill with major depressive disorder in the late 90s and early 2000s this led to me becoming morbidly obese. At my heaviest I was 300lbs/136kg (21stone 6lbs). I reached this weight by consistently overeating every day rather than binging.

As previously mentioned I made the decision to deal with my weight problem once and for all in the summer of 2017 and I have successfully reached a healthy weight. However I know the old me is still there in my head and it would be very easy to regain every pound I’ve lost. What’s really weird though is this version of me has become an internal voice that I have to fight against. I’ve nicknamed it ‘The Binge Monster’. This is an example of a conversation I had with it last week:

The Binge Monster: You could really do with some chocolate.

Me: I don’t need any chocolate and I don’t want to gain any weight 

The Binge Monster: But you could have a small bar and build it into your allowance.

Me: Yes I could but I’d want more.

The Binge Monster: So you do want some chocolate. Just have it and get back track afterwards.

Me: I really shouldn’t

The Binge Monster: Go on it will taste so good and make sure you get a big bar.

Me: …..

The Binge Monster: You’re not weighing in at Slimming World this week so you’ve got a whole week to make up for it.

At this point I gave in and had a 110g bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk. It tasted great but I beat myself up afterwards for being so weak. This slip led to me having a couple days of eating a bit extra. I’m now back in control and have been for 4 days. The Binge Monster is still there grumbling in the background dropping hints that the biscuits in the cupboard look tempting but I’m able to ignore it at the moment. This is the way it has been for the past 4 years and the fact that I am still a healthy weight means that I am winning this war.

For anyone who is thinking I’m showing signs of schizophrenia; I’m really not. I have total control and know deep down that The Binge Monster is really just me arguing with myself. I just find it helpful to give that part of me a persona. It makes it easier for me to recognise the times when I’m fighting against the urge to eat unhealthily.

It’s been a while since my last post due to a number of -what I have been calling all year- vomiting attacks. In March I thought they were caused by my pain medication which is why I came off them. Two weeks ago I had the worst attack of the year which lasted 5 days and scared the shit out of me.

I cannot fault the NHS. The locum doctor recommended that I contact the consultant that did my gastric banding surgery. The consultant saw me within 3 days and immediately suspected that I had gallstones. Within 2 days I had an ultrasound scan and confirmation that he was right. He thinks that they have been caused by my “profound” weight loss. I knew this could happen as they remove the gallbladder when they do gastric bypass operations for this reason.

I am so relieved to finally have a diagnosis. The attacks happen when a stone enters the bile ducts trying to get to the intestines. Before I came off my painkillers I didn’t feel a lot of pain during the attacks but I did during the most recent one. This really helped with the diagnosis so I don’t regret coming off my painkillers one bit.

I did mention to my GP back in March that I had discomfort under my ribs on the right hand side but because my CT scan didn’t show anything he dismissed it as IBS. However gallstones only show up on a CT scan if they are calcified. I’m surprised he dismissed it so readily. To be fair though I hadn’t specifically sought help for the attacks. Had I mentioned the two together he would have had the full picture.

So what’s next? I need to have my gallbladder removed asap. Fortunately David has medical insurance through his work so I can get it done privately so it should be in the next few weeks. I’m hoping to have the gastric band removed at the same time. I need to put my health first now. I am not worried about gaining weight afterwards as the band has been deflated for years and not providing any restriction. It does make me eat slower though so I will need to watch this. I will continue to attend Slimming World every week even after I reach my target weight (7.5lbs to go!) and I’m hoping this will be enough to keep me on track.

At Slimming World yesterday I was awarded the distinction of being ‘The Greatest Loser’. To the uninformed this would seem a rather cruel thing to do. However at Slimming World this award is given to the group member who has lost the most amount of weight. Since I started in August 2017 I have lost a total of 5st 11 lbs. Adding this to the weight I lost prior to starting I have now lost 7st 12lbs (110lbs). I only have 30lbs left to lose.

After 30 years of struggling with my weight I still can’t believe I have managed to achieve this. My whole attitude towards food has changed. By the time I reach my target weight I will have been eating the way I am for 2 years. My way of eating now has become my new normal. I know my weight battle won’t end when I reach my target weight; in fact I feel that the real battle of maintaining my weight begins. In some ways I think this will be harder than losing weight. Being able to eat a few extras without overdoing it will be difficult for me. I know I won’t be able to eat chocolate again because I have never been able to control my intake; I love it too much and it doesn’t make me feel sick if I eat a lot of it. I know some people who successfully control their weight by dieting during the week and allowing some extras at the weekend and I feel this could work for me.

I have made myself a visual aid to motivate me as I lose the last 30lbs which I know will be the hardest to lose. It’s just a simple A4 sheet with 30 circles that I can add a sticker to as I lose the weight. At the bottom is the Slimming World target sticker that I will receive when I get there.

Being realistic I expect it to take the rest of the year to achieve this goal but I am determined to get there!

Losing weight is hard for everyone. The human body does not like to draw on its fat stores when calorific intake is insufficient for its needs. The physical sign of this is the feeling of hunger but there is also a profound effect on the brain. When hungry the desire for food can be all consuming and the feeling of satiating this hunger can be very comforting. This can lead to people seeking that feeling of comfort even when they’re not hungry. I am a comfort eater and it is for this reason that I became morbidly obese when suffering from clinical depression.

When faced with having to lose a massive amount of weight it can be very daunting. I knew that if I was to reach a healthy weight I would have to put my body in calorie deficit for more than a year; maybe even two. The thought of having to bear my brain screaming for food for that length of time was enough to keep me procrastinating for years.

I have discussed my weight journey in detail in a previous post so I won’t repeat it here. I have successfully been losing weight since early August last year. It would be easy for people looking at me now to think that I’ve found it easy but that is not true. I stick to my healthy eating plan rigidly but this doesn’t stop the internal struggle. I walked into a supermarket this week and was faced with huge displays of Christmas food; boxes of mince pies, boxes of chocolate biscuits and tins of chocolates. I felt a tremendous sense of loss that I could no longer eat the way I used to. It’s almost like I was grieving for my old eating habits. I managed to resist the temptation and later at the doctors surgery I saw two ladies who were the same size as I used to be and it made me realise that the sacrifice is worth it.

Today my BMI dropped out of the obese category, so medically I am just merely overweight now. The improvement in my health is huge and I’m hoping with more time, I will stop longing for my old way of eating. I know I will never be able to eat that way again because I will just regain the weight; my healthy diet has to be for life.