Autism, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Music, Piano, Weight

Getting Through the Tough Times…….

To say this year has been a crap fest so far would be an understatement. It started positively with coming through my surgery successfully. In February several things happened at once that resulted in me having a nervous breakdown. A week after this happened I had a dissociative fugue episode in response to extreme stress which really scared me. I had to make some tough decisions. One of these was to increase my antidepressants again. They are not back to the level they were before I decreased them last year so I still feel good about that. I also had a temporary increase in my antipsychotic medication just to get me through the first month following the breakdown. I also took measures to remove myself from any situations that caused me stress that weren’t essential to my life.

Initially I tried to gain some control back by restricting my eating. I reached the point where I was feeling faint from lack of food. I realised that I was in real danger of developing a full blown eating disorder. To avoid this happening I made the hard decision to let my membership of Slimming World lapse. I’ve been a member since August 2017 and I have a lot of friends there. I’ve also put the scales away as I was obsessively weighing and stressing over every little gain. I’m now just going to go by how my clothes feel. Since making this decision I may have put on a few pounds but I think everyone close to me would agree that I needed to.

The breakdown also caused me to go into a flare up of my fibromyalgia. This has been difficult to deal with as the only thing that helps is graded exercise. I went to hydrotherapy once a week but this wasn’t enough. I just didn’t have the mental strength to get started. It’s taken me 8 weeks to get back to swimming and it’s going to be another few weeks before I feel any benefit in terms of pain relief.

In the past, music has played a huge role in my mental wellbeing. It was just by chance that I discovered that there was a current UK tour of Jesus Christ Superstar. I managed to get a ticket for a show locally a few weeks after my breakdown. When I checked the cast I realised that the person playing Jesus was the actor I saw in We Will Rock You last summer; Ian McIntosh. He was really good in his role as Galileo so I was looking forward to seeing him again. Ian was amazing last summer but was on a whole other level in JCS. When I go to the theatre I usually find that there are one or two stand out performances but in this production the whole cast were superb. I think seeing this show was the start of my recovery.

This is where my autism kicks in. I booked immediately to go again in a not so local location. This time I took my elder daughter with me. It was a lovely day out and I enjoyed it just as much a second time and saw all sorts of things I missed the first time. I think you can see where this is going. I’ve booked for another 2 shows, one in May and the last one in August. I posted on Facebook about this current ‘special interest’ in the JCS group and started talking to one lady who has been to see it 7 times already but her reason for this is that her son is in the ensemble cast. I mentioned about not having the courage to try and meet some of the cast at the stage door but she reassured me that they are all really friendly so I might try it. I’d just really like to thank them for getting me through this crap year. I’ll probably chicken out though when the time comes.

This week is the first week where I actually feel like I’m almost back to normal. My enthusiasm for life seems to have returned. I’ve been swimming and I’ve practised the piano every day. Music really helps and I’m considering taking up the flute again. I looked into getting the flute from my school days overhauled but was told it would cost more to overhaul it than it’s worth. Apparently flute technology has moved on in the last 30 years so it would be better to spend the money buying a new one. It will take me a while to save up my fun money (I’ve spent most of it on theatre tickets and train travel!) so I will spend that time practising on my old flute and see if this is just a passing phase or a serious thing that I want to pursue.

This year has been tough and once again my neurodivergent brain has been responsible for many of the challenges I’ve faced. I’ve been very lucky to have had the support of my amazing family and friends and I can now look forward to the rest of the year with happiness in my heart.

Autism, Music, Piano

The Einaudi Challenge

Ever since I started taking my piano playing more seriously I have been entranced by the music of the Italian pianist and composer Ludovico Einaudi. There seems to be a difference of opinion among the critics as to whether his music is genius or too simple. I love the way he builds up an atmosphere in his pieces with repetition and increasing complexity. Many of his pieces can be played solo on the piano as well as with a full orchestra. I fully intend to go one of his concerts when he is next in the UK.

I have attempted to learn a few of his easier pieces and I am making progress. I decided to listen to as many of his pieces as I could to make a shortlist of the all the pieces I’d eventually like to be able to play. True to my autistic self I then grouped them by difficulty and ranked them again within each group. Here is my list:

Group 1 (Easiest)

  • Primavera
  • Indaco
  • Una Mattina

Group 2 (Intermediate)

  • Nefeli
  • Le Onde
  • I Giorni
  • Nuvole Bianche

Group 3 (Advanced)

  • Divenire
  • Nightbook
  • Oltremare

I am confident on learning the pieces in Group 1 without help but the rest might require some assistance from a teacher. I have made a really good start on Primavera but still have a long way to go.

What I hope to do is eventually be able to record myself playing each piece and upload it to my Facebook account. I am not setting a time limit on this challenge and I fully expect it to take me a number of years to complete. Oltremare (what I consider to be the hardest) is monster of a piece and is an eye watering 10+ minutes. To be able to play this piece under pressure without mistakes will be a big ask but I am willing to put the work in.

Ludovico Einaudi
Music

Understanding Chopin……..

I have always loved classical music. It was hearing Beethoven’s Sonata No. 14 in C# minor (more commonly known as the Moonlight Sonata) at the young age of 4 that first made me interested in piano music in particular. During my childhood and teenage years I listened to more of Beethoven’s music and loved it; other composers barely got a look in. Like many people I recognised a lot of classical music pieces but didn’t know the name or the composer of them. I knew Chopin by name but it wasn’t until the movie ‘The Pianist’ was released that I learned to connect his music to his name.

Chopin predominantly wrote for the piano which makes him unique among composers such as Beethoven and Mozart. Chopin composed his music during the Romantic period. During this time the range of the piano was increased and its tonal power improved. As a result the piano became the most popular solo instrument. There is something very freeing about Chopin’s music. No longer confined to the strict phrasing and a consistent tempo that were popular in the Classical period, Chopin was able to express his music exactly how he felt it. Often his inspiration came from Polish folk tunes and these can be found in Polonaises. For me though it is the beauty of the Nocturnes that move me the most. As I’m a miserable so and so, the Nocturnes in the minor keys really touch my heart with their melancholia.

It wasn’t until I read a very long biography about Chopin that I feel I now understand the man behind the music. I’ve decided to share a very brief overview of his life in the hope that anyone reading this will feel the same.

The Life of Chopin 

Fryderyk Chopin was born in 1810 in Żelazowa Wola, Poland. Chopin was a sickly child and is thought to have had many food intolerances. As an adult he reached the height of 5 foot 7 inches but weighed less that 99lbs. His incredible gift for music was evident at a very early age and although he had a couple of piano teachers his prodigious talent for the instrument meant that they were rendered unnecessary. In 1826 he attended a three year course at the Warsaw Conservatory under the composer Józef Elsner. He continued to compose during this time and performed in local salons and concerts. In 1826 Chopin fell very ill for 6 months and later in 1830 a chronic cold led to him having cancel several concerts. It is likely that Chopin already had tuberculosis at this time.

Fryderyk Chopin

In 1830 he left Poland and although he didn’t know it at the time, he would never return. He settled in Paris in late 1831. It is not known exactly when Chopin met the fellow composer Franz Lizst but it is known that he was in attendance at Chopin’s Parisian debut on 26th February 1832 at the Salle Pleyel. Lizst said after the performance that “The most vigorous applause seemed not to suffice to our enthusiasm in the presence of this talented musician, who revealed a new phase of poetic sentiment combined with such happy innovation in the form of his art.” Chopin and Lizst had great respect and admiration for each other but it is known that their was a fierce love-hate relationship between the pair.

Due to Chopin’s delicate health it was often said that Chopin’s piano playing lacked the strength and vigour necessary for concert hall performances. However no one was in any doubt of his virtuosity and unique talent.

From 1842 onwards Chopin’s health deteriorated to the point that he had to spend many hours a day laying in bed and was in a lot of pain for most of the time. His mood would lift when he was able to play the piano but as time went on this became more difficult. A seven month visit to Great Britain 1848 under the care of his friend Jane Stirling where he had to perform to many of his friend’s acquaintances led to a very rapid decline in his health. He returned to Paris in the November of 1848. It was obvious by now that his tuberculosis had entered its terminal phase. In June 1849 his sister Ludwika came to Paris to look after him. Due to not being able to teach or perform he was now penniless. It is known that Jane Stirling supported Chopin during this time with a loan. Only his sister, his physician and a handful of friends remained with Chopin to the end. On 17th October after midnight his physician asked him if he was suffering greatly and Chopin replied ‘No longer’. Fryderyk Chopin died at a couple of minutes to two in the morning.

At Chopin’s request his heart was removed prior to his burial in Paris and was returned home to Poland where it was interred in a pillar at the Holy Cross Church in Warsaw.

Fryderyk Chopin requested that all of his unpublished manuscripts be collected together and burned. He didn’t want any of his music that he hadn’t completely perfected to be released to the public. Fortunately his sister, Ludwika thought differently. All of his manuscripts were collected into a suitcase and were entrusted to Chopin’s friend Julian Fontana. Chopin’s family gave Julian Fontana permission to publish any music he felt of sufficient quality. Among these pieces were two Nocturnes. The first was the Nocturne in C# minor that features heavily in the film score of ‘The Pianist’. The second was the Nocturne in E minor which, for me is perhaps the most beautiful piece of all. I can only hope to do it justice in the future.