I don’t know whether it’s the time of year but I seem to be struggling again with my depression. It’s nowhere near as bad as it has been in the past but it’s definitely there. My brain feels very slow and I’m starting to feel cut off from the world again. I feel like I’m dangling from a cliff holding on to some very slippery ropes. I keep trying to look ahead to try and mitigate anything that I think that might cause me anxiety before it happens but it’s exhausting.
The first thing to go when I feel like this is my motivation to partake in my hobbies. I haven’t done anything for over a month which is not like me. I’m still able to stick to my healthy eating plan which is a good thing as I shudder to think how bad I’d feel if I started putting on weight again. I think my brain has finally shifted into seeing my way of eating as normal.
I often have a low period from the beginning of the year until my birthday in February so this episode is a bit early. I wish I knew the reason why. It’s at times like this when I fully understand the type of depression I have. There are two types; reactive and endogenous. Reactive depression is caused by external events such as a bereavement. Endogenous depression, as the name suggests, comes from within and this is the type I have. It is thought that endogenous depression is caused by an imbalance in brain chemistry, particularly the neurotransmitter serotonin. Almost all modern antidepressants inhibit the reabsorption of serotonin thereby raising its level in the brain.
I could go and see my doctor and ask to have my dosage increased but I really don’t want to have to take even more medication. I think the only thing I can do is just ride the storm and hope for calmer waters soon.