For the first time in years I have got myself into a depressive rut. I was barely coping before my surgery but since the surgery things are getting desperate. I have made an appointment with my doctor to discuss whether I should return to my previous dosage of medication. I really don’t want to admit defeat but I am barely functioning.
For the past two days I have tried (unsuccessfully I might add) to make myself do what I need to do. I need to get moving again, even it’s only a 10 minute walk and I need to resume my piano practice. I know that both of these activities will make me feel better but I haven’t succeeded in doing either of these. Instead I’ve resorted to old habits and stress ate my way through half a packet of biscuits this afternoon. I am so cross at myself for being like this. I thought I was better than this.
I have a particularly stressful conversation coming up this weekend with a family member and I feel sick even thinking about it. I am not good with verbal communication so my husband is going to help me. If I could just write it I’d be fine but it’s not an option here.
I just want to feel normal again. I’m hoping when the aforementioned conversation is over I will be able to force myself into action. I’ve done it before but I’m not sure if I’m strong enough at the moment to do it again. I’ve got until Thursday before I speak to the doctor so if I’ve made enough progress I may not have to increase my meds.
My mental health problems have always been a exacerbated by my low self esteem and self worth and having to increase my meds will make me feel like a failure. I just feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation.
I was so certain my low mood was down to the lack of diet coke; it turns out I was wrong. I guess I will just have to take it one day at a time and try to do my best. The days are getting longer now so hopefully that will help. I know I will get there in the end I just hope it doesn’t take too long.
My Faulty Brain 