The month of January wasn’t finished with throwing its curved balls at me. I had a further bout of gastroenteritis to get through but I recovered quite quickly. I am now in a flare up of my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. It is so frustrating as my brain is active. I want so much to be productive and achieve something with my time. There is nothing so soul destroying as sitting on the couch watching daytime television and endless YouTube videos.
Losing my Dad to cancer in June 2017 has made me acutely aware of my own mortality. I will be 46 in a weeks time and I have always assumed that I will make it well into my eighties. My Dad was 71 when he died and I’ve realised that there are no guarantees in this life.
I want to make the most of every day. I know it’s impossible to do something extraordinary every single day but I at least want to do something of use. I always make sure that I treat people with respect and kindness and I will always help anyone who needs it. Doing something for myself? That’s where the problems lie.
When I’m tired, low and in pain I tend go into myself and sit and stare; this may be due, in part to my medication. I literally feel that I’m just ‘killing’ time. At times I can force myself to do something but within 5-10 minutes my concentration wanes and I end up putting it away. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself again. I feel that I’ve lost 10 years of my life to this illness and I don’t want to waste any more. I have so much I want to do and I’m just not doing any of it.
I’m sorry that this is such a miserable post. I will try to do better next time.